Are you ok?

Are you ok? How are you doing? If you need to talk.....

These are a couple of things we've been asked or have had said to us. Its been 1 month, 2 weeks and 6 days since we found out our baby, that we had tried so long for was no longer living so how am I doing? Well, Clark is doing well, which is normal for men. He has been very tender and patient with me. He is so wonderful! I, on the other hand have good days and bad. Today was a good day :)

I am over the initial heartbreak of the miscarriage and honestly I think I would be doing better but there is something very unique about the timing of our miscarriage that will make the healing process last a lot longer. The same day we announced our pregnancy to Clark's family, his brother and his wife announced they too were pregnant. After doing some math we determine we were no more than 2 weeks part.....

The first couple of weeks after the miscarriage, looking back, I was very numb to the whole process and then little by little I started breaking down and allowed myself, even though it was painful, to mourn. After talking with several people we have decided not to name our baby. After all, the Lord did not give the baby to us to name. After about a week and a half of some deep, hard emotions I was putting Micaiah to bed one night and it hit me. How amazingly beautiful the gift of Micaiah's life is. Not that I didn't know it before but it was so strong in that moment and my heart began to change from sad to grateful. I found in the coming days that the Lord used Micaiah to be my comfort. I couldn't hug or kiss him enough. I couldn't stop looking at him or get enough of his sweet voice. We have talked to Micaiah about what happened. We have been very open and honest with him. He has asked a couple of times about it but not in the last 2 weeks or so.

By late September things had started to feel a little normal around here. I started to feel ok again. Then one day I received an invitation in the mail to my nieces birthday party, my sister in laws little girl. Instantly I was very anxious. Almost a little panic-e. After feeling like i was getting a grip on things I realized I would come face to face with the physical reminder of our miscarriage. Something I knew I was not ready for. We live abbot 3 1/2 hours from my brother and sister in law and had not seen them since the announcement. For over a week I prayed and sought counsel because I was feeling so anxious. It would be like walking through the initial pain all over again. I don't want to go there Lord. I'm not ready In the times of praying I always thought "where are you Lord? why can't i feel you? why are you not calming my anxious heart" I was getting frustrated because he wasn't making this better. Later I would come to fond out he was working all along and telling me to wait when the only answer I was willing to hear was "okay I'll make every thing just dandy". Long story short, my sis in law came to visit my in laws (who live in Murfreesboro) kind of last minute exactly a week before my nieces party. Clark drug me to dinner kicking and screaming. After a really bad start to the night the ending was beautiful. It's what the Lord has been working on and preparing me for.

My sis in law called me into the back room and after a lengthy conversation (which shall remain mostly private) the Lord had calmed my anxious heart. You see, in that conservation my sis in law freed me from the burden of expectation. The expectation that I had to be present ...in HER presence. Something that is incredible painful for me right now. She told me to take as long as I needed to have space. I am so thank for her understanding and sympathy in our unique situation. Something I didn't even have to ask for but that she graciously gave. For even though her little one will always be a reminder of our miscarriage, one day the wound will be manageable. Something only the Lord can do with time and space.

The Lord has been my great comfort and strength in this time. He is teaching me things and doing things in me. Building character, refining me and increasing my dependence on HIM.....for that I am eternally grateful.